I was talking to MaMa B. ( Morgan St James ) earlier this morning and I was discussing something that recently .. RE Traumatized me. It’s so important to say that it doesn’t matter how much schooling you have, education or establishment .. or even love you may have for a person, it does NOT make you immune from it happening again. It’s so important to understand the warning signs.. Learn from me..
It is Child Abuse Awareness Month and I am no longer a Child.. but abuse is abuse. I have this long time friend that was so close to my heart I would have given him the world just for being such an amazing friend for so many years. We got very close and the warning signs began. I went into (PTSD) Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Flight or Fight Mode .. my first reaction; DENIAL! How could someone I am this close to hurt me.. in his eyes, “all in play”. I walked away with bruises, On my body and my heart and soul, and, a sermon of him holding my book in one hand saying he’s for the cause and the other reaching for my throat. Again, “all in play”. I realize now I have lost a very dear friend because I will not and cannot stand for “play” of this sort.
I also realize that with my dissociative disorder that I developed as a child,what happened with my x husband, would be naturally there.With me going to talk to abused women and children in a secret location for their protection, I needed to remember what it is like to be hurt by someone you love and trust.
It’s not easy to just… “let go”. You love this person and you want to make it better for them… but you can’t. We have to dig deep to find that self worth again to reach down and find that strength in us we all have to help ourselves and our children.
I have been in hiding nearly eight years now.. seven years of therapy, 2 1/2 years of school , a book and a movement later you would think something like this wouldn’t happen. Let me tell you that it happens to drs, lawyers, teachers, preacher and the list goes on!
Now that I am aware I can go through the healing stages and continue on this journey I am about to go on. I am a strong woman .. STRONG woman… and I will take this experience to help others to the FULLEST of my abilities. My heart is so huge it gets blind sometimes. It happens. So I say to you.. and to me.. WE ARE WORTH GOOD THINGS! WE DESERVE GOOD THINGS!
With this attitude I am ready to march forward and get the show on the road!
I love you all and thank you all for your loving support!
Paying it forward one more time. God Bless you! BELLA CAPO